The moment I finally decided I was going to California, I remember a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. There were so many unanswered questions. I wasn't even sure if I believed I was really going. And would I fall flat on my face and have to come back, knowing full well that my parents wouldn't help me out if that happened.

Many times I considered backing out. Even when we were still planning just how we were going to do it. I would sit cross-legged on the couch and wish something would happen that would bar me from leaving. Something beyond my control. I thought about just telling Mike and Amanda to leave without me, or not go at all, and hope that they could forgive my cowardice.

But I couldn't lose my best friends, so I kept planning with them and hoped the feelings would go away. I prayed for God to give me solace and courage that I was making the right decision. My instincts still told me this was the direction I had to go.

Then one day... I couldn't wait. In fact, it really started to bug me that I couldn't leave yet. It's only two weeks later and I can barely stand the waiting much longer. The cold weather is a constant reminder that I will soon be much farther south.

The fear is gone, only to be replaced by the worst kind of anticipation. I know it's the way someone must feel when they are headed in the right direction. I know I am headed in the right direction, and I hope that God will take care of my friends and me.

I have nothing to lose, and everything to gain by moving 2,500 miles away from my home, and I can hardly wait...

Labels: By Chuck, Courage, Dread

That is, by far, the best piece of advise I've been given lately (possibly ever).

On Christmas Eve I asked God for courage; I'm getting closer to my dreams everyday, now. I wasn't sure at the time, even what I was asking for, now I think that I have a pretty good idea.

I've told everyone I know and everyone I've met, that I am moving to L.A., since the first time I went to visit my Uncle Thurman there, in the summer of '96. That's been my plan for 7 1/2 years. I guess you could call it more of a dream than a plan; I knew, somewhere in the back of my head, that it might not ever happen. But here I am, less than 6 weeks away, chasing my dreams, confronting my fears. Of course there were so many in the beginning, and everyday I remind myself, that "it's OK to be scared, but brave people do it anyway". And it's working. I know now that my fear cannot hurt me, and that God will not give me anything that I cannot handle.

We search the internet everyday for apartment leads and job openings, we look around for things that we can sell, and we've started packing the things we plan to take. We still aren't sure if we'll be able to come up with all of the money we need, but I know that it will all work out. I am more excited than afraid now, after all, the magic 8 ball says "all signs point to yes", "it is certain"..... the ocean is calling me..... this is my destiny.

Labels: 1st Post, By Amanda, Courage, The Girl